Feeling particularly pleased with yourself today? Are all those tensions melting away? Perhaps you’ve noticed that your body has never looked better.

Sit back and take a collective sigh of relief, Columbus. In fact, go ahead and light up a cigarette, take a naked stroll to the fridge or just roll over and fall asleep.

You’ve just been named the No. 2 most sexually satisfied city in America.

The good news is that when Men’s Health magazine ranked the top 100 gratified cities in the nation, Columbus was the dark horse second-place finisher.

The bad news is that the top prize went to Indianapolis. You know, the nondescript city in Indiana.

“I looked at everything pretty hard,” said Denny Watkins, the Men’s Health reporter who compiled the data. Even as the May issue heads for the stands, Watkins seems to be scratching his head because of the Midwest’s surprisingly strong showing. Rounding out the Top Five were Fort Wayne, Ind., Cincinnati and Salt Lake City.

“I can’t really explain it,” Watkins said.

The rankings were based on three criteria: the number of condoms purchased, the number of sex toys purchased and the number of babies born.

“There is nobody asking directly” how satisfied Americans are in bed, he said. So this three-pronged strategy helped the magazine analyze key bedroom barometers.

Although Columbus never cracked the top 10 in any category, it seems its across-the- board mediocre finishes may have worked to its advantage. The nation’s larger metropolitan areas, such as New York and San Francisco, scored high points for purchasing copious amounts of sex toys, but they faired terribly when it came to birthing babies, for example.

“This is just another of Columbus’s undiscovered surprises,” said Beth Ervin, communications director of Experience Columbus. Ervin credited the city’s plethora of excellent spots to kindle romance, including “restaurants and lovely neighborhoods.”

“Columbus is very diverse,” she said. “We were just ranked among the best places to live for gays and lesbians and African- Americans.” The latest recognition will dovetail with these honors to lure new residents into the city, she said.

For Columbus City Councilman Andy Ginther, it took a moment to absorb the news this week.

“Anything we can do to attract and retain young talent,” Ginther finally said.

Asked Tuesday about the ranking, state Sen. Steve Stivers called it “an excellent
statistic.”

“Go Midwest, that’s what I say,” said Stivers, a Columbus Republican. “I just got married, so I think sexual satisfaction’s a good thing.”

However, others at the Statehouse seemed puzzled and even alarmed by the Men’s Health honor.

“What does sexually satisfied mean?” asked Senate Minority Leader Ray Miller, a Columbus Democrat. “That people are happy because they’re engaged in sexual activity?” Miller questioned the scientific validity of the study.

“You know how much men exaggerate,” he said.

“And if we don’t want to attract, you know, perverts from bordering states, I don’t think that this should be discussed publicly.”

Miller is not the report’s only critic. “Well, I know I don’t feel sexually satisfied,” said a 49-year-old cross-dresser who was who was the lone shopper at The Garden, a Short North sex shop, Tuesday morning.

The customer, who asked to be identified only as Steve, was wearing a fabulous purple dress, heels and a dark wig. He said he had gone several years without having sexual relations with his wife, despite his hard work to keep in top physical condition.

But Sarah Bogue, The Garden’s manager, welcomed the ranking.

“We’re a liberal city, we’re very open-minded,” she said. “And screw the school system, because we’re teaching our kids to practice safe sex and they’re buying more condoms.”

Bogue said shops like hers provide a safe environment where Columbus residents can explore their sexuality comfortably.

“You don’t have to feel icky when you walk in here,” which might be the reason that “happy couples” are the store’s most frequent customers, she said.

Clete, a lingerie merchant who was visiting The Garden Tuesday to sell his sexy wares, said he could not get over Cincinnati’s high ranking.

“Cincinnati is the most sexually stifled city in America,” said Clete, who asked that his last name be withhed. He said he can’t do business in Cincinnati because of a ban on adult toy stores. Sex-stifling initiatives “are born in Cincinnati,” he said.

Sex toys sold in shops like The Garden did not count toward Columbus’s No. 2 ranking. Product sales from two national companies were used to calculate points. Only sales from California-based Babeland, an online supplier, and Pure Romance, a provider of wares for Tupperware-like home parties, were tallied in the study, Watkins said.

Columbus’s best performances were in the birth-rate and condom-sale categories, which may raise questions about the reliability of Central Ohio’s prophylactic supply.

In addition to producing more humans and thus increasing our capacity for sexual satisfaction, what can Columbus residents do to pull their city ahead of the dreaded Indianapolis?

Control their sugar intake, for one, Watkins said.

Obesity reduces sex drive, so the more Columbus residents eat, the less they’re buying condoms and sex toys and having babies, he said.

Another strategy for beating the Rust Belt city next year may require working hard to make sure Columbus residents stay bored and stay in.

“I’m shocked to find that Indianapolis would be ahead of us,” said Democratic state Rep. Dan Stewart of Columbus. “What is so exciting about Indianapolis?

Then Stewart put it all together.

“Well, maybe that is it,” he said. “We don’t need more museums, we don’t need more entertainment facilities in Columbus. We need to stay home more, and we’ll beat Indianapolis at some point.”

Presumably still smarting from the sting of an unflattering comparison to Indianapolis, Mayor Mike Coleman said Tuesday he had not seen the study, and did not wish to comment, said spokesman Mike Brown.

Even as the city basks in the sweet release of success, it’s evident that Columbus has a lot of work ahead, not only to maintain its status, but to break Indianapolis’s stronghold on the title.

Back at the Short North sex shop, Steve expressed his frustrations as his work shift—as a police officer—was quickly approaching. Steve said he frequents The Garden in search of like-minded Columbusites who are looking to spice things up a bit.

But as he carried a box of condoms to the front counter, he let out a heavy sigh and said, “Doesn’t look like that’s going to happen today.”

With reporting from Erik Johns and Dan Williamson